Everything you need to know before you have sex for the first time

Saturday, 6 April 2019

Everyone’s “first time” is going to be different, and what you classify as your “first time” may be different too. However here are a few things everyone should know before they start their sexual journey.

When it comes to intimacy, consent is the first step. Every time.
From kissing to penetration, consent is required every step of the way.

But what is consent?
Consent is when someone freely agrees to something.

When it comes to sex and intimacy consent must be:

Freely given: This means that the person isn’t being tricked, pressured or threatened into saying yes. Also remember, you can’t give consent if you’re drunk, high or passed out.

Reversible: It’s totally cool to change your mind. Even if you said yes before. Even if you’re in bed and stark naked with your partner! It’s totally normal for you to feel different from moment to moment, so its important for both parties to continue to check in with each other. Consent must be continuously given.

Informed: You can only consent to something if you have all the facts of the situation. For example, you’re wanting to have penetrative sex with a guy and he says that he’ll use a condom. Great! Hell yes!
But then the moment arrives and he doesn’t.
There hasn’t been full consent.

Enthusiastic: Sex should be fun, and when it comes to physical intimacy you should only do stuff that you really want to do. Not stuff that you’re feeling pressured to do, or you feel you should do even though you’re uncomfortable. It’s your body and your experience!
So if you or your partner are not seeming enthusiastic (e.g. excited, happy, energised), stop and check in.

Specific: Saying “hell yes” to one thing doesn’t give consent to all things.
For example, saying yes to making out in the back of a car doesn’t give consent to touching under your shirt or skirt. It’s important to keep checking in with each other, every step of the way.

Also when it comes to the law, if you or the person you are with are:

Drunk or high
Asleep or passed out
Below the legal age of consent (16) or much younger than you
Disabled in a way that affects their ability to understand you

Then they/you cannot give full consent, and it’s not ok to do anything sexual.

What if it makes it awkward?
Asking and giving consent isn’t awkward, or hard. It can be sexy and a part of the whole experience!
Like how hot does it feel to ask “can I kiss you? Can I kiss you here like that? Can I touch you there? Do you want to do _____ with me?”

Talking about consent makes things clear between you and your partner and doing all this new sexy stuff feel more comfortable (plus its mandatory!)
Also don’t forget that you don’t have to wait for your partner to be the initiator of the conversation. Try asking them first! Because they may be just as nervous as you.

Sex means different things to different people, but when it comes to having penis-in-vagina sex it is very important to use protection in the form of a condom and birth control to help prevent STI’s and pregnancy.
You CAN get pregnant or an STI on your first try!

Will it hurt?The first time you have vaginal sex it may hurt, or feel great, or both!
There may be pain or bleeding the first time you have fingers, sex toys or a penis enter the vagina, as your hymen tissue stretches open. This is totally normal. It’s also totally normal for you not to bleed the first time as everyone’s hymen tissue is different!

What is an orgasm?An orgasm (climax, cumming etc) is the moment of the release of tension and can happen during masturbation or sex. It can feel amazing and can vary in intensity.
You may also find that liquid comes out of your vulva during an orgasm. Don’t stress this is not pee. This is called female ejaculation and is totally normal.
It’s also totally normal for you not to ejaculate as female ejaculation is not as common as male ejaculation.

Will I orgasm the first time?Maybe. Maybe not.
Discovering what you like and what makes you feel good is all a part of your sexual journey and sex shouldn’t all be about the orgasm.
Explore what turns you on, and take your time with your partner to find out what makes you both feel great. Also allow yourself the space to feel relaxed and safe, this may help you reach a place where you feel comfortable enough to climax.

What happens when he ejaculates?Jizz, cum, blowing your load. Most time ejaculation happens during an orgasm and it’s when a sticky liquid called semen (or cum) comes out of the penis.
This liquid has sperm in it, and if you are having unprotected vaginal sex at that time, there is a risk that you may get pregnant. SO ALWAYS USE PROTECTION.
Btw, heads up that ejaculation can create a bit of a mess, which is totally cool and normal.
Just always useful to have a towel/tissue on standby.

Does sex always mean penis penetration? NO. Sex can mean a broad spectrum of things, and it’s really up to you as to how you define it.
From masturbation, fingering, oral sex, experimenting with sex toys, anything goes! It’s up to you to discover and decide for yourself what is your meaning of “sex”.

How do I know it’s the right time?Loosing your virginity shouldn’t feel like a race.
Although it may seem like everyone is doing it and you’re the last one standing, there is no rush to jump into anything sexual before you are ready.
Take the time to find the right moment for you, it’s important to feel safe and enthusiastic with the person you choose to share your body with.
So don’t stress over what the other kids are doing.
The only person who can say you are ready is you.

It gets betterDoing anything for the first time is never going to be the best it can be. The same goes for sex. Even after being sexually active for years, the first time having sex with a new partner is always going to be a little bit awkward BUT it will get better the more you get to know each others bodies and likes/dislikes.
So be kind and curious with each other. And be curious and kind with yourself.

Sex should be fun, consensual from start to finish, safe, and can be whatever you want it to be!

Don’t be afraid to ask!
Want more info? Here are a few sites that are really helpful:

Planned Parenthood:

Health for Teens:

 By Alice Cavanagh

Alice is a writer, actor and movement monkey from Australia. She is currently kicking it in Toronto where she is creating a large collection of scarves to survive winter. Spring come at me bro, I’m ready. 

IG: @alicecaviar 

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